come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
