I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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