please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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