I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
