and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
