Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
