I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
