oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
