It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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