i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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