How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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