I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
