When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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