i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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