i just sent this text using only my big toe
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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