You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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