Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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