I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
