would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
