So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
