So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
