I accidentally burped into my bong.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
