God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
