Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
