oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
