somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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