Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
