cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just threw up on my dentist
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
