How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
