God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
