Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
