I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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