I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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