Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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