I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
