I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The Olympian is in my bed
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
