If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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