Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
