That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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