Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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