This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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