so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
