He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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