Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
