youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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