OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
