I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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