Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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