chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
