talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
