At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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