Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
