So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
