Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
