We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
