is your mom at the bar?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
