Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
ttyl tear gas
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
